a12thway2reachme:

Bateman really does like a good broken meter.  So much so, that I believe I’ve caught her waiting at one.  For it to break.  That’s commitment.  Respect.

At first I read this as “Batman” not “Bateman.”  This lead to an immediate cranial commentary influx:

1. That’s not Batman, he’s way beefier.
2. It might be Batgirl though, but I don’t remember if she wears pants now or not.
3. Batman wouldn’t need a meter, he’ll park the fucking Batmobile any-goddamned-where he pleases.
4. I bet Batman has a lot of parking tickets for A) parking the fucking Batmobile any-goddamned-where he pleases and B) because five bucks says Meter Maids find it ironic to ticket the caped crusader for double parking/being in front of a fire hydrant.
5. If a building was on fire and Batman rushed into it, but he happened to park in front of a hydrant, would the firemen have him towed, put an axe through his window, or just wait it out?
6. Does Gotham even have firemen, or is it just Batman with a “Hydro-Batsuit” or some shit like that? I can’t imagine that’s really part of his job description but considering everything else he does…
7. I think Gotham should really form a fire department if they haven’t already.
8. What do they put down for license plate when he’s ticketed? I can’t recall if he’s got a plate, but I don’t see why he needs one. “Failure to register your vehicle” is probably the least of his concerns considering how much of Gotham he destroys on a semi-regular basis.
9. I would abuse the shit out of that power. “I want some In-N-Out!” VROOOOOMCRASHFIRECRASHDOUBLEDOUBLE nom
10. If they do ticket him, where are the tickets sent? They can’t go to Wayne manor, that’s just a dead giveaway; some intern would put two and two together like that.
11. Does Commissioner Gordon just save them up and once a month hand them to Batman in a big manila folder?
12. Does Batman pay them or just blow them off?
13. I would blow them off.
14. He should probably pay them though, he’s got enough cash. No need to shortchange the city he’s trying to save.
15. Wait, that’s too long of a word to be Batman.
16. ooooh….BATEman.
17. I should probably stop watching that fucking commercial.

mdfsmash:

lizlet: This is what the inside of my brain looks like, in case you were wondering.

This is almost exactly what it’s like hanging out with Invisible Engine and Team Tiger Awesome at the same time.

This is pretty much spot-on for the world that lives inside my head.

thedailywhat:

IRL Mecha of the Day: Following fast in Tokyo’s footsteps, the Japanese city of Kobe has erected a mecha defender of its own, the veteran bot Gigantor, which stands 59.06 feet tall — narrowly defeating Tokyo’s 59-foot-tall Gundam statue.

Somehow I don’t see this One-upmechaship ending well for humanity.

Get up close (but not too close) here.

[via.]

Why isn’t it made of meat?

Dear Ralph’s:

Getting into the little box of plastic strawberries I bought last week should be easy.  It should definitely be comparatively easier than growing them myself from scratch. I’m not an idiot, I promise, but if I find myself - a 29 year-old, pretty in-shape guy - having to use three separate tools and summon a goddamn hellspawn demon just to break through the plastic cage of wrath and despair which separates me from sweet, berry goodness, there’s something wrong with your packaging techniques.

Scissors: nope. A knife the size of a machete: not gonna happen. An actual sword: laughably inadequate. It’s the Battletoads of fruit receptacles; the ‘27 Yankees of “convenience” packaging. I’m in my kitchen trying to McGuyver an IED out of a popcorn popper, some old coffee grounds, and a half-stale blueberry scone - all in the name of healthy and easily accessible snack food.

What’s the problem guys? Did you get a shipment of clear plastic gun safes and just decide “fuck it, these’ll work just fine”? Are you helping us save for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse whereupon strawberries will be the new currency of the survivors? Are you just assholes? Seriously, are you giant, giant assholes?

Black Boxes should be made of this shit; of course since it’s apparently the plastic equivalent of Adamantium, any plane crash would mean a 450MPH indestructible strawberry-centered missile blasting through the countryside like paper mache.

WHY WON’T YOU LET ME IN!  ALL I WANT IS A FUCKING STRAWBERRY!

**Take note USB flashdrive manufacturers, because this applies to you fuckers too. It’s an 8gig USB drive that’s just gonna end up going through the wash in someone’s jeans, not the Arc Of The Covenant; I shouldn’t need to nuke the packaging from orbit just so I can leave behind a fucking powerpoint.

As some of you might remember, last night in a fit of Adobe CS4 induced hysteria I posted the following ad to Craigslist Gigs:

Pilots needed to defend the universe. (Earth)

Pilots needed for group of universal defenders.

I am in desperate need for four pilots to help with my new planetary defense force endeavor. This is a (hopefully) long-term gig.

I have invented five robotic lions which are able to combine together to form a (larger) giant space robot. I intend to use these giant robots to defend earth from the horrible menaces of the universe. I will be piloting one specific robotic lion (the head) however I require pilots to form the feet/legs as well as arms/body (it’ll make sense when I show you - promise.)

While I have done my best to make the giant combining robot lions as user-friendly as possible, I would appreciate at least some sort of military aviation experience; the last thing I need is you piledriving a foot up my giant robotic billion dollar ass because you couldn’t control your megathrusters.

There are four positions available, however I am planning on keeping a backup list “just in case.” Pay is dependent on experience, benefits, overtime, and 410(k) offered. Valid passport required. References are a must, however video applications will not be accepted. Minority and female positions available. Priority given to applicants able to operate awesome 80’s FX keyboard.

• Location: Earth
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: DOE

The email responses that I’ve received have been nothing short of amazing.  While I got a surprising number of headshots, and one - well there’s no other word for this - dickshot, a good number of people recognized the humor and played along.

This guy obviously got the joke:

FOOL !!!    Did you not think that I would see your treacherous scheme on your interweb ??

HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!! Once again you will fail and I will rule the Galaxy! ,….save yourself the trouble and bow to ZORKRELL NOW!!!,…you miscreant insect,…and I may let you be my pet.

So did this guy:

Very interested in this position.  I have 16 years pilot experience.  Worked at NASA helping to developed air/space robotic technology that could be used in a time of need in the late 80’s to help save the planet. Since then I have primarily just been flying around with my home made jet-pac on my back looking for the right opportunity to band together with others that want to defend and kick ass. If I can fly over for an interview anytime this week.

One guy made up a whole resume for someone named “I. M. Intergalactic-Pilot” from “Awesometown” and I appreciated that sort of commitment to a joke.  It’s too long to post here, but lemme tell you, this dude was fucking qualified.

Some people, though…just didn’t get it:

I came across this post and wanting to know if this is real. These are some wild times and people are app to believe a lot of wild things. So let me know and if this is a joke, well played my friend.

or

very interesting….lets def talk….want to know if its real and wats the plans…thanks

Some people just didn’t like it:

U are a retard

I think this dude’s comment is a bit like the pot calling the kettle…well, smoking pot:

You are an interesting person……but you are not interesting enough.  You are just about as clever as a douche on drugs. You are a USC student.  Reply with my full first and last name in the subject heading and I will consider giving you “right hand man” position on my quest to save the world.  Your quest sucks and you know it…

You know what my universal defense force doesn’t need?  Mavericks.  Every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.

ill fly a lion     i used to race cars so hook me up!!

or apathy:

Dude, this position is so sweet and totally meant for me.  I do have prior military (although I was a mechanic) and have flown on a couple planes (southwest, continental,etc) so I think I have the experience.  But, if for some reason my experience does not impress you (I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t), I have great references.  One guy was an extra with me in a movie and this other chick waited tables with me.  The chick might want to defend the universe too, but just so you know, she can’t drive for shit (just between you and me) so I don’t know how good she could fly a robot arm… But anyway, dude, I’m not really doing anything, so I could start tomorrow. Later, man, force be with you, or, whatever-

My absolute favorite though, was this woman. I genuinely laughed out loud from her email.  Well played miss:

Hi, while I don’t have military aviation experience, on MANY occasions, I have flown my friend’s hovercraft prototype for his Science Olympiad project. I am willing to learn how to operate these robotic lions. You won’t have to invest in a uniform for me because I already have a radiation-proof suit acquired from a post Y2K garage sale. It may be almost a decade old but I trust that it’ll get me through the atmosphere just fine.

I understand that there is pay, benefits, overtime, and 410(k) offered but I am wondering if I will get compensated for any expenses I may incur during my shifts. I have a valid passport and your listing indicated that minority and female positions available. I am a minority AND a female, an asian girl. Also, you stated that priority will be given to applicants able to operate an awesome 80’s FX keyboard. I have never touched one in my life but I believe that as an avid listener of Cobra Starship, I will be able to play by ear once one is put in front of me.

My word program is down. Please accept my references in the body of this email. Reference, singular, to be exact. However, I think that it will suffice.

REFERENCE:

Chuck Norris

You know who didn’t appreciate this evening’s nostalgic foray into the absurd though?

Your posting has been flagged for removal….in violation of craigslist posting guidelines.

Please make sure you are abiding by all posted site rules, including our terms of use.

Have a sense of humor Craig.

ladimcbeth:

Excerpt from the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a while. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe anymore. For the full conversation, go here: http://thebloggess.com/?p=3817

Trust me, it’s totally worth it.

Victor:  You’re not using the GPS because you don’t appreciate the tone of the robot?

Me:  No, that’s just the start.  Because then she told me to turn on West Lion street but there was no West Lion Street so I kept making illegal u-turns and finally I realized that she was mispronouncing Wesley-Ann Street.  Probably on purpose.

Victor:  It’s “Weslayan Street”.  You still haven’t seen a street sign?

Me:  Oh.  Sorry.  I kind of forgot I was driving.

Victor:  You forgot you were driving while you were driving?

Me:  It’s not like I ran into a cow.  I just forgot I was looking for signs.

Victor:  If you ever make it home I’m hiding your car keys.

This whole thing is pretty genius, and doesn’t remind me of anyone I know at all.